Because its Broken!!

About 3 1/2 years ago I went into the Library, feeling unsure I took my sweet time browsing through all the new and some old..took some books for a test run, until I found the PERFECT one. Excited as I was about my new find ready to go home dive in and become a part of the story. Little did I know I was about to be hit hard with the reality of my own story... the single story. It went something like this.. Jessica: Sets book down, wide eyes and hands over library card. Librarian: Scans card, scans book.. looks up and says, I'm sorry it looks like you have a book that hasn't been returned.. "Its called a break up because its broken" Jessica: pretends to have no idea what librarian is talking about openly lies and says it must have been my roommate and walks out. That was before I had a kid, before I really knew what being broken was.

I just recently got off a 6 month roller coaster of a relationship. You can call it a roller coaster or you can call it a train, a crazy train.. none the less I abandoned ship..Fled the scene.. ran without looking back. That was 2 months ago. Now I must commend his effort in retrieval of this fairy tail love (his delusion) but if there is one thing I am good at it is easy come, easy go. A runner, though I will get into that later, this is about him and his retrieval efforts.. after much time wasted its finally stopped, but not without something I must share.. A text message about two weeks ago that read.. "NO ONE IS EVER GOING TO LOVE YOU OR YOUR SON THE WAY I DID, I HOPE YOU KNOW YOU JUST THREW THE BEST GUY YOU WILL EVER HAVE AWAY" Blows my mind. I would like to say this is the first time I have been threatened with the "your never going to find someone that will love you like me" threat but that would be a lie. You see how I look at it is this..ISN'T THAT THE FREEKIN POINT?!?!?! I don't want to find someone who loved me the way you loved me, I want to find someone who loves me right. Who loves me with balance. The way I deserve, hold the insecurities, the controlling, the jealousy, the put downs, the ups the downs, the love you; love you nots.. Just plain and simple purity.

I'm not perfect, not in the slightest. In the past I work in either one of these three ways, when it comes to love..

A. I pretend to be naive, careless, a Jessica Simpson.. I show lil to nothing and hide behind a brick wall.. If I don't let you in, If I don't show you me, then it wont hurt when you leave.

B. I give you reason, I push your buttons, test the water, I'm still hidden but this time I am not running or hiding..I'm pushing, I'm trying to make you leave, for if I make you go, then it wont hurt when you leave.

C. I fall for you, I wake up giddy, I get blushed face when you call, I laugh till it hurts, I smile for no reason I am eager to learn all I can from you, about you, with you, but I still show you nothing. I still hide and I anticipate the goodbye. And you leave and I'm fine.


My running shoes are always waiting, I am checking the clock waiting for your depart. Until recently..

Until recently I have started a new relationship. He gives me everything I need and as much as I try I know he isn't going to leave. As much as I doubt his genuounness as much as I doubt his sincerity, his realness his ability to allow me to accept his love I know, he isn't going to leave. He has never left, he has watched me venture into the world of self destruction, and he has taken me back. He is making me feel whole again, whole within myself. I never had to pretend to be perfect for him, I never have to hide behind a mask, toughen up, or hold back my tears, I have layed it all out on the line.. I closed my eyes bowed my head and said this.. "Here I am, I am Broken, I stand alone, I am not a perfect person, but I know the person I want to be, HELP, Here is me.. WILL YOU LOVE ME ANYWAY?!?!"

And you know the ironic thing.. what he said, what he said without saying, is this..

Dear Jessica,

YOUR NEVER GOING TO FIND SOMEONE WHO WILL LOVE YOU AS MUCH AS ME!

I'VE LOVED YOU FOREVER,

GOD.