I hope Jesus likes red lipstick...

So yesterday it hit me like a ton of bricks.. I am happy. I am happy and content. For the first time in a long time..

I'm embracing my loner status. I guess it started when I got sick in May, had surgery and was forced to not only stay home for 6 weeks but stay in bed for 4 of the 6 weeks.. A FRIGGING MONTH IN BED!! During my bed rest I watched ALLOT of netflix was blessed to have my mom drive down here to take care of me and C, as well as my GiGi. One of my movie choices was 7 pounds...no joke changed my outlook completely.. I wont get into it, I will just say I cried allot.. I imagined life without my son, without my family and the life I was living without god. I never thought about life without my then boyfriend..sorry to say it didn't matter..I guess then was when I really realized that boat shall sail without me on it.. None the less I then started embracing my loner status.


I have pretty much reclused myself for about 4 months now. Spent time with only my son and my family. I already knew my best friends were my brothers and sisters, but what I didn't know is I could be my own best friend. My mom says its called growing up, and I have to agree. But I thought I was growing up the day I had Cartyr, now I realize it a process that happens day by day. I jumped from one extreme to the next, I struggled to find my niche, where I belonged, where my son and I belonged.. and now I think I know..I know, I know. Its together. Together with family. Together with select friends. Together to find our way back to god. I know allot of people or friends don't understand what I am going through, or how I am changing and I am OK with that. I am OK to attend gatherings and pass on drinking, leave early and spend most of the time as a onlooker rather then be the loudest, drunkest, most attention seeking guest. I am OK with loosing friends because my idea of a good time is not sitting around binge drinking. I am OK knowing when the appropriate time for a drink is and when the its not necessary time is. I am OK with it all. For once I feel happy. I feel content. I don't feel alone yet surrounded with people. I am alone but surrounded with hope. That is a huge difference. Last night the pastor said "God allows U-Turns, so often people our driving through life like they are on a freeway switching from lane to lane.. in essence switching from one thing to another, I'm only gonna smoke pot and drink..or I'm only gonna party a Lil bit and on the weekends.. or I'm only going to do this one more time..when reality they are just switching rooms on the titanic, one way or another the ship is going to sink..U-TURN."

Last night I actually did walk down when they called upon those who wanted to change. I stood alone, yet felt comfort in knowing If I stand alone, if I stand alone in front of all these people with others who were also standing alone asking for help, then I can do it always, for I am no longer alone. That was my prayer request, not acceptance, not understanding.. but patience, strength and someone, a god to stand with me, as I continue to take on the hardest job I will ever have, Motherhood.


<3
Jessica Still tattooed, Unfortunaatly still Rude..Just without the Screwed..without the Hellbound part.