Crunchy Peanut butter if you please.

So I suffer. From what? Ugly duckling syndrome. Granite I was never a ugly duckling..more like a strawberry blond, freckle faced chubster.

Confession: When I was younger I used to stuff marshmallows in my pocket so I can eat more then the allowed two. WHAT?? who does this? As a kid I was a secret binge eater?

Its cool though cause I still ate the apple or orange my parents allowed as a afternoon snack, the only problem was my brothers and I were also on our bikes riding to the liqueur store for mission candy theft. Ya you read it..we would hit up Steve's liquor for as much stolen goods as our sticky hands could get.. well until Jordan thought a sweet place to hide mambas were his socks..imagine this if you will the length of a pack of mambas and the length of a 10yr olds socks.. yes, absolutely were the mambas sticking out at least two inches.. needless to say we got chased out of there by a screaming Asian telling us we could never come back.

Case and Point.. restricting yourself or your children from things only makes the need or want for them even stronger. Ugly duckling secret eater stuff your face with as much crap then cry about it later.

I lost 65 pounds after I had cartyr, 65 pounds in three months.. then I gained almost 20 of it back when I moved to SF.. classic case of lonely girl eating her feelings... who needs friends, boyfriends or family when you have peanut butter. spoons and spoons of sticky icky peanut butter. YAK. The only thing sticking to me after I was sticking it to the peanut butter is a jelly roll restricting my pants of buttoning and a sad sense of self worth.

OK, back to ugly duckling syndrome... so even with packed on pounds I'm still lighter then I was before I had a child but in my head in my ugly duckling need justification head, if I'm not hearing I'm too skinny then I am fat, fat fat peanut butter pounds fat.

Though it really all started when I started modeling, you go a week or two without eating for a shoot then afterwards your so turned on by the site of cheese you eat the whole god damn block. No self control just instant gratification. The down fall of so many addicts. Even food addicts or ugly duckling girls.

So I'm walking and I'm running and I'm climbing and I'm starving and I'm exhausted and I realize... I finally realize.. it ain't the peanut butter pounds I need to shed..its the ugly duckling look in the mirror tear myself apart I need to shed.. after all the only way to stop eating your feelings is if you stop feeling bad about yourself. So later ugly girl, sticky icky peanut butter girl, need for people to tell her she is too skinny so pretty and incredibly good looking girl. Hello Single Strong BEAUTIFUL MOM. I'm finally down 7 pounds, 7 healthy treat yourself right, walks on the beach, protein, fruits and vegetable pounds. I'm on my way to the looking in the mirror and loving myself... a balance.. take the good with the bad cause after all every swan as at least one dark spot.